moment of zen
the real fear of death isn’t just pain or uncertainty – it’s realizing with absolute terror that you haven’t accomplished your mission in life.
moment of zen
being able to help someone you love, but not having it in your heart to help him – that is the absolute worst kind of pain.
sleeping
sleep is good. you get to dream. false memories and illogical logic. you become numb and limp, and your eyelids get heavy. just before you get to sleep, you have visions of your thoughts and all you hear is your own voice. your blankets are comfortable. you can hide yourself under the covers so nobody can see. you can’t be harmed. people are hushed and silent, and all is dark. nobody can touch you. nothing has to affect you. you fall back into your own mind, where you belong. you roll around and sometimes wake up. all your fantastic dreams vanish in a clap. it isn’t so much that a dream is a dream, but that reality is a nightmare.
sleep is something to do; something that you can never do the wrong way. there is an art to sleeping, the perfect environment which suits the tastes of each person. but sleep, the science of sleep, that can never be wrong. you don’t have to try to sleep, your body does it for you.
sleep is a place to go when reality is too difficult to handle. it’s always there. and somewhere around the world other people are awake, and life is going on while you’re asleep. and then you wake up. it’s a routine.
smiles
life is all about smiling. when you’re happy, smile. when you’re not happy, smile.
there you are.
things that I love/miss
the exhilaration of loving and being loved
the feeling of having a close family
the simple joy of being a child
peace and contentment
feeling like part of a group
having a true friend
enjoying nature and the seasons
being creative
being involved
not worrying about what other people think
being free from anxiety
having bright hopes and dreams for the future
having a conversation with a stranger in another country
the time when I first started using the computer, and how interesting it all was
how interesting it was to experiment with new things
being easily satisfied
having a wild imagination to keep me busy
inventing things to do instead of being bored
being able to be alone and not lonely
the feeling that I am someone
living life in the moment, knowing that I will remember this a long time later
the mysterious feeling that there are secrets in the universe – aliens, ghosts…
not thinking – just enjoying, living, feeling… anything but thinking
sharing
beautiful night, cool breezes, starry sky, fresh grass
music that makes me feel something
being warm on a cold day
the feeling of cold weather
recess
not having the pressure of growing up – just being a kid, without responsibilities, without worries
the way television used to make me feel – a good show, like a christmas special
being a guest at someone’s house – someone who is a very gracious host
mystical experiences, and believing that there is a God
the lore behind video games; how they made me feel
a good board game
sugary treats, savory snacks
walking, biking… being outside
having something fun to do, and not melancholy when the fun is gone
going in a boat
how I felt riding the bus up the hills to Pune – the beautiful scenery
being so happy that I cry
fireworks
basements, and having fun in basements
halloween
the n64 I got for christmas, when it first came out
solving riddles (sometimes this makes my brain hurt – but when I solve it I am happy)
the old library, and how it made me feel
the way I was so interested in books, and different subjects, without questioning
thinking nostalgically into the past (without missing it, just enjoying it)
the piano
movies, when they used to be scary and exciting
staying up late at night (when it was new)
my mother
being interested in learning just for the sake of learning
feeling like I’m part of something big, like the whole universe
thinking about other worlds out there…
a really good story
connecting with someone on a very deep level
confiding in someone, having that really close feeling… memorable feelings
magic
not having or questioning my sense of self
just being
today
today I learned a little more about myself – who I am as a person. in respects it was good – I feel ambiguously content. mixed feelings are mostly bad when people want to identify what they are, and in frustration feel more bad than good.
so what did I learn today? I learned that I have a complicated relationship with other people. While I keep myself in a protective bubble, there are moments of clarity where I see other people in their nakedness. It is a dance that switches partners, and changes music.
In desperation, due to high expectations and a negative image of other people (based on fears of criticism), I fall into my mode of feeling bad for having pleasures dangling, as if taunting me. in my need to impress others, I inadvertently create the opposite effect. all this and I see myself starkly human; not good or evil, but forgivable and without responsibility.
the need to fulfill my passions causes many withdrawl effects.
I have much more insight, but it is all better in my head.
bread
life is like bread. if you don’t eat it, you go hungry. if you eat too much of it, you have none left. if you avoid eating it, the bread becomes stale and grows mold. in life you have to ration the bread. you have no other choice – so try to enjoy it.
a few things
school is starting up very soon. I move in on the 22nd; that’s exactly one week from today. school begins on the 27th.
I have another blog, and I’m going to be using that to showcase more insightful posts. it will be much less personal than this blog is.
well, so I’m still going to be writing in this blog. mostly rambling about something or the other, when I feel the need to.
moment of zen
if you think that you are happy, and you are trying to be more happy, you are really not happy to begin with.
